I believe, that there are no, certain words, to fully explain, grief. Grief occurs for different reasons, not only death. Although, the loss of anything, that was love, caring, being needed, having purpose, can plunge ones soul, into a very deep place of grief.
My life, has radically changed, over the past 10 years, in ways, I never would have imagined. If I had read a book, about my future life, I would have felt, as if it were fiction. Yet, it has turned out to be fact, facts, that have placed me, into a position, of intense grieving, for all of these years.
It is exhausting. I am fully and utterly exhausted. I no longer, want to live, in this state of perpetual grieving. I want to feel alive and vibrant once again. But, it is not easy. It is going to be, one of the most difficult things, I have had to do in my life, and I have had, to live through many difficult things, but this will be the hardest, to finally let go of the pain and the hurt...that has been my constant companion.
This process, I have decided to go through, has finally come to me this night. I no longer want my heart, feeling shredded and bleeding. I need to write a new story, and a story, just for me. Not for my children, not for those whom, I loved in my life, not for those whom, have passed before me, not for what I dreamed of, in my older years. No, this story is to be a beginning, for my life.
Each day will be a new page of the book. I have no plan, for how the ending will turn out to be, I have no plan how each new page will be written. I only know, that I must begin this book and this story. The old version, no longer serves me. It is outdated, and is beginning to gather dust.
This is my time for healing, true healing. Being stuck, in a state of grief, does not allow one, to move forward, to create anew. The love you had, for those you loved so intensely, including ones children, the life you once loved, your dreams that did not come to be, this love never fades. It remains, it will, just
no longer, cause the pain, that it has, for far too long.
So, I pick up a new pen tonight, actually, I prefer pencils, I pick up a new pencil, and I begin to write each word and each line, without knowing, what will be written. And, this is the sheer beauty of it, it will all be new, fresh, and a new path to joy.
Living in sadness and pain, for so long, became so crippling, that I did not realize, that I had been walking on these crutches, one of sadness, and the other of pain. So, I shall walk, learn to walk without them. It will not be overnight, there still will be pain, while rewriting my story, while learning to walk, without those crutches, that I leaned on for so long. But, it will be a beginning, and this gives me hope, and belief in myself. This is the most important component, the belief in myself, and writing a new story of life, of me, by me, and for me.
This is not a selfish act, in fact, it is quite the opposite. It is the most loving act, that I can do for myself, and for all, that I have been grieving for. It releases me, and it releases them, of that life once lived. As a butterfly, that frees itself, from the cocoon, can now fly and flutter. Be brilliant in color and brilliant in life. Bringing and living joy, with each movement, of its wings anew.
With the greatest of love and new beginnings,
Maria Joan Hidalgo Juarez Beam (Boheme)
Musical Selection:
Marc Puig feat. Maria Collado - To Start Anew
