along with the light comes healing...

my most beloved readers of beamthelightbethecgange i beg your forgiveness for such a delay in writing. tonight's post shall be short, but i did want to reach out to you and send out my love...

healing takes so very long and i have come a long way with more to go. this body is mending and healing and this is the reason for my prolonged silence. yet, my voice desires to speak out tonight even if for simply a moment.

body, heart, soul, and spirit are so interconnected and one cannot heal fully without healing all of these vital componants of our very existence.

please bare with me as i heal. i shall hold your hand while you are holding mine...heal with me and together we shall not only heal ourselves, but our beautiful world as well...

i am sending all of my love, maria

maria juarez beam (boheme)


musical selection ; prince royce ''stand by me''

A Heart that is Healing Yet Feels Lost...

...And what does one do with a healing heart yet a heart that is also feeling torn and tattered as this rose above. The rose, at least in my eyes, still retains great beauty, yet it is bruised and torn in places. A heart can be so fragile and for this so many put up walls around the heart...as a fortress. Yet, love is so amazingly beautiful, it is one of our greatest gifts bestowed upon us. Why do so many pass it by or have a set way of thinking of how love ought to be or how it ought to become into fruition... 

I have healed in so many ways yet now new wounds have been inflicted upon this heart and I must learn a new way to heal, salve, and give my heart the love it needs when I am wanting the comfort of another human being. I am wandering this planet in a world of my own and in a shock of returning to Western ways. 

I took a chance and opened my heart to love once again...only to have to leave it behind. My heart is beating inside of my body, feeling intense sorrow, yet it is also somewhere else. It is in another country and in the chest cavity of another man who now has moved on with his heart for the pain of  my leaving shut his heart down...

Now is the time for me to truly love me, care for me, and of course, I shall give my love to others...and once again hope for that day to reenter my life...my heart...my entire being... 

I am a woman in love with love for a man and for all of humanity...All my love to each and everyone of you all....

Trying to Make the Flowers Grow...

I have a few moments before I leave for an appointment and I have been longing to write yet...life circumstances often can get in the way. So before I depart, I wanted to write at least a few words to share with all of you my most wonderful and beloved readers. 

I have learned since returning from Mexico, how quickly life changes. What once was alters or disappears altogether...so what I am attempting to do is make some new flowers grow. Old flowers shed their immense beauty, fade, and then disappear...and then comes the time within its cycle for the new blooms to appear. What glorious beauty this is, yet in the meantime, the bulb, the seed, the roots are replenishing and renourishing so that a beautiful flower in all its splendor can be born anew...

My love to all of you...nourish and renew, Maria

Maria Juarez Beam (Boheme)

When the Heart & Soul Become Set Free...

WOW! I am struck...I now know why my mother wanted me to go Guanajuato, Mexico, the land of my grandparents and my ancestors; to save me from my heartbreak and from my bleeding soul. Yes, the soul does bleed and when it does, I truly believe it can take you to your grave. My mother, my Guanajuato, my Mexico and all of it's splendor saved my life. 

I may not be able to finish this writing tonight for I am low on battery power, but I knew I needed to allow this river  of words within me...begin to flow. A body can fall apart and if you have read much of my writing, you well know that I have had my share of this. Yet, what I now know, is that my intense heartache, which led to a soul soaked and dripping in blood is what truly needed to bathed in the healing waters of salvation. 

One of the most impactful stories that my mother told me was the story of Mario Lanza, a famous opera tenor and an actor in the 1940's & 50's. I remember intensely her asking me if I felt that anyone could die from a broken heart. I needed to pensively allow this question to enter my mind, my heart, and my soul. As a young girl, I certainly had experienced heart break...I answered her with a "yes, mom, I do believe so. She then explained the intense love Mario had for his wife, she died and then he died from his immense pain within his heart...this was so very powerful for me to hear and has never left me. I often wonder as to why my mother felt the need to share  this with me at such a young age. A mother, a good mother, can sense what type of  child she has and she will do all she can  to guide her path...even after their death.

Mama, I love you so much. I miss you, but you are within me as a guiding and a protecting light full of love for your daughter. I thank you my mama...

I do have more to write, but need to stop now and hopefully within the next few days I will find my charger.

All my light and love to you my most beloved readers, Maria

Maria Juarez Beam

Boheme

when your world, your heart feels in turmoil...

Tonight, I shall just write. My laptop decided to die on me here in Mexico, so bare with me please as I get to know this I-pad that I bought prior to leaving, better.I did attempt to put in an into pic as I always do, but this silly I-pad, or perhaps it is silly me...it just did not happen, once I figure this out. :)
I had to cry with all of my might tonight, later I knew I would write. I am apartment bound, at least for now until I feel better. Of course, I would rather be out enjoying all of the festivities. Yet, on the other side of the peso, some time alone is what I truly believe I need, at least for the time being.

I cried, yet I also nearly screamed, if I had a balcony I most likely would have, it is better I do not have one for the neighbors would truly think me crazy. So within my walls, my own 300 year old apartment, in the historic district of Guanajuato, Mexico, fierce tears tormented. Why...? For several reasons...

Mainly, for my sons. When I read tonight that we may soon be deploying troops to Syria, I was angered. I still am. Then later after I retuned from my very nearby store, I was hit, no stabbed by an enormous dagger of pain directly to my heart. My oldest would be the one to go off to war first and then my youngest. A mother's heart always, always is a part of her children, no matter what age.

My sons are all I have left in this world that came from inside of me. It hurts my heart so very much that they are away, more than anything else I have ever faced in my life. I want them back as those young boys who brought me so much joy and needed me so. Yet, this is not how life works out. I bore them, I raised them, loved them, and the most difficult part of loving them, was letting them go off to be who they are meant to be.

I just want to hold them and see their most beautiful faces. Yet, I am un able. I must resolve myself to their protection and the vocations they chose. I have my statue of La Virginia de Guadalupe with a candle lit for them, for me; for peace. It brings me great comfort.

Ah, and here come by now, the nightly minstrels, sing with great joy. I soak in this joy every night. Without all of this Alegre, happiness, around me, I am not quite sure how I would feel. Sometimes, I admit, I wonder why I am here in Central Mexico, but it was my wish as well as my mother's. she may not be on this planet any longer, yet she speaks to me and comforts me as well. Tonight this, I needed greatly. Thank you mama.

I may not know as of yet how everything will turn out here in Mexico, but there is a great reason why I am here and all the cards will play themselves out one by one. In this I must have great faith. Faith is what I live on daily and with a Catholic Church here at every corner, I always have my community of faith, prayer, love, and music. What a treasure for me.

Thank you my beautiful readers here at BeamtheLightBetheChange for always allowing me to bare, not only my soul, but all of me, Maria Juarez Beam.

I send great love and joy to each and everyone of you...Paz y amor, Maria...

I am figuring out this I-pad, soooo I do not know how to pst a song as of yet so if you go to YouTube look for "Teach Your Children Well," please...:) All my love and best until I return again...

Miracles Truly Do Happen...

Even in the face of difficult or trying times...

Miracles do happen...

 

As many of you know I have moved to Guanajuato, Mexico at least for a time...

 

My most beloved Mexico has changed in many ways...

 

Yet, at the same time it retains the sense of amazing beauty...and an atmosphere of community and deep faith even with its poverty...

 

Tonight I shall make this post short for I am very tired and I need to arise early and I will return to finish tomorrow...

 

Tonight, I simply wanted to share that even though our world may be in turmoil...times have changed greatly...many are suffering...and we are "suppose" to guard ourselves against those who are out to take advantage of us in various ways...

 

This I can say...is that I believe in the most inner core of all of us is deep goodness...even if it appears that there may be something different...

 

A miracle occurred for me tonight while I was out strolling these lovely streets in Guanajuato...yes, someone attempted to take advantage of my kindness for I think he saw me give some money and a piece of sweet bread to a very poor man in front of the church I attend...

 

He was a young man, very handsome...shared with me his story of why he needed money...I gave him a few pesos...he gave me a prayer book for he knew I was Catholic for he must have been watching me for a time. Here in Mexico, the largest Catholic country in the world, the people make the sign of the cross several times every time they pass a church...I have been doing the same. This very young and handsome man, in Spanish said to me, here is a gift for you, it is a prayer book. I took it graciously...

 

When I arrived at my apartment here I looked at the prayer book gifted to me. It is dedicated to Santa Cruz...Saint of the Holy Cross; a miracle for me, for you see when I was in church the day before on the Feast Day of La Virgen de Guadalupe, the Patroness of Mexico, I met a lovely poor family with two beautiful girls. One of the girls had epilepsy, which many of you who read my writings know that I also have epilepsy. Their faith is so great that they believed that Santa Cruz cured their daughter. Santa Cruz happens to be the Patron Saint of Epilepsy. I never knew of this until they shared this with me. They also shared with me where I could go to get a prayer book of Santa Cruz and told me to say the prayers daily. Here tonight, I was gifted a prayer book of Santa Cruz by this young man asking for money. For me, this is truly a miracle...

 

I shall return to this post tomorrow to clean it up a bit, add a song and some pictures. I now need my sleep. I wanted to share this story with all of you tonight. Despite what appears to be deception, there is also good.

 

I cannot wait to share with all of you my pictures and story about the Feast Day of our Lady of Guadalupe here in my beautiful Guanajuato, Mexico...

 

Blessings, love, and goodness to you all tonight...today. All of my love, Maria

Maria Juarez Boheme Beam

 

 

 

Leaving All the Old Behind and...

...starting anew

This is what I am doing...

I am just about finished going through what is left of my life... behind...

And I simply needed to stop and share...

There is not much left of what I had...mostly the love and memories within my heart...

Yet, what is left, and what I will take with me, still bring me to my knees in tears...

Old birthday cards from my husband Brian passed, telling me how much he loves me and he couldn't ask for better...

How we will be spending the remainder of our lives together...

He is not here...only me...I still yearn for him to be at my side...

I don't know if that feeling will ever go away...if anyone truly knows how much his leaving this planet at the age of 42 has dented and impacted my heart...

Cards and pictures of my sons, grown men now...

Yes, I know that they must lead their own lives, but I never imagined we would be so far apart, it is so painful to have everyone either gone or so far away...

Cards from my mother...I truly miss my mom...if I say much more about her right now, I'm afraid those tears will cascade and I have to get back to my packing...(I shall write about my beloved mother Guadalupe Landeros Juarez Beam in a post just for her)

Cards from friends past, reminding me how much I made a difference in their lives...

Remembering friends and times, my beloved University of the Pacific and Humphreys...

And all of the amazing people who have touched my life these past 51 soon to be 52 years...


If my heart could only explain all of this pain as I pack for my new life...

Setting out in this world...what feels like...alone...

Yet, this is a dream that I have been wanting to fulfill for a very long time...

Right now, it is just so hard to keep the tears from streaming feeling as if...I am leaving everything behind me...

I shall love my beloved Mexico and whatever lies ahead of me in my future...

For now, I must take each day, each step, moment by moment...

And, new life shall begin and shall grow and flourish...

What lies ahead?...well, I will share with all of you along my new path...life is forever evolving and changing...

I thank you so for allowing me to share for this is one way for me to keep carrying on  when I feel so little left...

I thank you for allowing me to express my pain, my grief, my sadness, my anger, whether it be my own personal or pain for the world...

My love to all of you my dearest readers of BeamthelightBetheChange...You keep giving me hope to Beam my light and Beam my love...Muchas gracias con todo de me corazon...Maria

Maria Juarez Beam
Maria Juarez Boheme Beam

Musical Selection: The Fugees: "Killing me Softly"

http://youtu.be/F751YR-U-hA

I chose this song because I feel as if I am hearing the song of my life being sung deep in my heart...