when your world, your heart feels in turmoil...

Tonight, I shall just write. My laptop decided to die on me here in Mexico, so bare with me please as I get to know this I-pad that I bought prior to leaving, better.I did attempt to put in an into pic as I always do, but this silly I-pad, or perhaps it is silly me...it just did not happen, once I figure this out. :)
I had to cry with all of my might tonight, later I knew I would write. I am apartment bound, at least for now until I feel better. Of course, I would rather be out enjoying all of the festivities. Yet, on the other side of the peso, some time alone is what I truly believe I need, at least for the time being.

I cried, yet I also nearly screamed, if I had a balcony I most likely would have, it is better I do not have one for the neighbors would truly think me crazy. So within my walls, my own 300 year old apartment, in the historic district of Guanajuato, Mexico, fierce tears tormented. Why...? For several reasons...

Mainly, for my sons. When I read tonight that we may soon be deploying troops to Syria, I was angered. I still am. Then later after I retuned from my very nearby store, I was hit, no stabbed by an enormous dagger of pain directly to my heart. My oldest would be the one to go off to war first and then my youngest. A mother's heart always, always is a part of her children, no matter what age.

My sons are all I have left in this world that came from inside of me. It hurts my heart so very much that they are away, more than anything else I have ever faced in my life. I want them back as those young boys who brought me so much joy and needed me so. Yet, this is not how life works out. I bore them, I raised them, loved them, and the most difficult part of loving them, was letting them go off to be who they are meant to be.

I just want to hold them and see their most beautiful faces. Yet, I am un able. I must resolve myself to their protection and the vocations they chose. I have my statue of La Virginia de Guadalupe with a candle lit for them, for me; for peace. It brings me great comfort.

Ah, and here come by now, the nightly minstrels, sing with great joy. I soak in this joy every night. Without all of this Alegre, happiness, around me, I am not quite sure how I would feel. Sometimes, I admit, I wonder why I am here in Central Mexico, but it was my wish as well as my mother's. she may not be on this planet any longer, yet she speaks to me and comforts me as well. Tonight this, I needed greatly. Thank you mama.

I may not know as of yet how everything will turn out here in Mexico, but there is a great reason why I am here and all the cards will play themselves out one by one. In this I must have great faith. Faith is what I live on daily and with a Catholic Church here at every corner, I always have my community of faith, prayer, love, and music. What a treasure for me.

Thank you my beautiful readers here at BeamtheLightBetheChange for always allowing me to bare, not only my soul, but all of me, Maria Juarez Beam.

I send great love and joy to each and everyone of you...Paz y amor, Maria...

I am figuring out this I-pad, soooo I do not know how to pst a song as of yet so if you go to YouTube look for "Teach Your Children Well," please...:) All my love and best until I return again...