So, I am writing a series on war, and I am beginning, with my personal experience. Why, it just seemed, like the best place to start.
The first writing, began with my sons joining the military, and going off to war. Although, I was devastated that this was there choice for a career in life, I supported their decisions, not that I never attempted to change their minds. Yet, they both knew what they wanted, and you can't fight that.
So, ever since they have left, there has been a war within myself. A war of depression. I thought I had it beat last year, finally came to terms, with the non-communication, the long years of not seeing them, the not sharing, the holidays, with them.
Just when, I thought I had the depression handled, bam, it hit me in the heart again, and really hard. When you were so close to your children all of their growing up years and then they are ripped out of your life...it feels literally, as if your heart and your womb, are ripped out as well.
"War is hell!" Depression is hell. I am doing all that I can to cope, to deal with it, to heal, to figure out why, I lost the contact with my boys. I want to be there for them, for I know, that what they do, and what they have done is not easy.
My oldest has retired from the military and he struggles with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what he saw and did in Iraq. It tears me apart, that I am unable to support him, to be there for him if he needs me. I have prepared myself, for this, ever since, they departed. I know what soldiers can come home with and what they live with once back.
Perhaps they want to shield me. They were always very protective of me. I suffer from retractable epilepsy, which means, although, I take medication, the epilepsy is not controlled. I also have Post Concussion Syndrome, from the many falls I have incurred, and with Traumatic Brain Injury. So, they have never wanted to worry me. I would rather know what they go through, then not. I am strong. And, yes, even a strong person, can suffer from severe depression.
I am not the only military mother, to go through this situation. I have spoken with an incredible woman, from the organization, Military Families Speak Out, and she has helped me tremendously, but I still need more. Also, I have spoken with a former Veteran many times, from the organization, Veterans for Peace. He was amazingly supportive as well.
My suffering, does not compare, with the suffering, of the mothers in war zones. I cannot even fathom, what they must go through, on a daily basis. Nothing, even close to, what I experience. And, I hold those mothers in my heart daily.
Yet, this does not diminish the fact, that I, and other mothers, of soldiers world wide, do not suffer the pain of depression, grief, sadness, bewilderment, loneliness, doing all that they can to hold on. I think, what keeps us holding on, is our children, our children of war.
I have been keeping a very low profile, these past several months. I have not been on social media very much and I communicate with only a few friends. I mainly keep to myself, in my home, and this is not due to the virus, it is due to my own self-healing. Sometimes, we need to hide away from the world, to heal.
Apart, from my writings on this blog, this is about all I can do, to contribute to humanity, and to peace. By writing about my pain, my experiences, I hope that I touch others in some way. If I can do that, then at least, I do have a purpose. I hope that after, my "cocooning," stage, I will come out stronger, and that I will not have conquered, the depression. I am not sure, if I can do that quite yet, but I can at least. come, out not allowing it, to control who, I am. I can contribute more, as a human being, for the betterment of humanity and of the world.
Thank you again. dear readers, for allowing me to express.
With great love and peace,
Maria Joan Juarez Hidalgo Beam (Boheme)
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