I needed to take a slight detour and take care of my health. My body was telling me, and many wise, and caring friends, were alerting me to the fact, that I was getting a little "too busy." I am truly grateful for everyone's love and concern. It seems, when I am feeling as if I am at the top of my game and that Supra Woman cape (in red, white, and green with an Eagle in the center: think Mexican Flag...:)) starts to feeling strong and free, well, then Maria forgets that she is still on her HEALING JOURNEY.
I will share with you, if you will me allow, a little bit of what I mean.
I began this healing journey nearly one year ago to the day. My body was so broken, my spirit depleted, and my heart in great pain. So much had happened in the many years previous, that in order to do this piece justice, I need to go a bit back in time. Eight years ago this month is the time when my husband, Brian, passed away. What a devastating blow to myself, my boys, and to everyone he touched and he knew. Yet, in order for me to carry on, and to continue the raising of my beautiful boys, I had to put my game face on...so that we could move on. The problem is with in doing so, you bury your pain so very deep inside, yet it never goes away.
Along with raising my sons and working full-time, I decided to go back to college and to finish my degree. This is a dream that I desired to fulfill you see. Yet, the unexpected twists and turns of life step right in, and shortly after enrolling, both of my parents had become very ill. I am one determined woman and I could always manage so many things so to continue on with college and University would not deem quite the challenge to me, so I thought.
Well, in order to make this story short, for that is my intention tonight, I will do the best that I can to make a quick summary. As I have shared with all of you here at Beam the Light Be the Change, I have epilepsy, and it is not fully controlled, yet I have always found the best way possible to make my life happen despite its often challenge. As my parents became more ill, and I needed to be in more of their presence for their care, and their needs, I could just feel the beginnings of a body unravelling.
My son needed me as well, for by now, my oldest, Preston, had flown his wings to begin his own journey of life. To raise fine young men had always been my pure intent. I love those boys of mine and together we have had many a wonderful time. We could talk for hours, we would laugh and get silly, and then of course, there were the times when mom had to be stern, and had to do her best to be both a mother and a father.
College was phenomenal. I loved it so very much. I could just go on and on! I did manage to get my Associate Arts degree in Liberal Arts at Humphreys College in Stockton, California, and then I transferred on scholarship, to the University of the Pacific. Ahhh, my lovely, lovely Pacific. It was here ,that the beginnings of the signs and the symptoms of my body would be falling apart, began to appear. Of course, I kept going and going until I could go no more. 
The beauty of leaving the University at this time, was that I was able to spend the last month of my mother's life, which has now been three and one-half years, lying right next to her each and every night. She couldn't speak, she could barely walk and she needed to be fed. My tiny, yet amazing mother, was before my eyes...awhither. I would sing to her. I would kiss her sweet head. We would watch Classic movies together, and I just loved her, I simply loved her while at her side.Dad needed twenty-four hour round the clock care at this time. After my beloved mom passed, it was time do as much as I could for my father. I was recovering from my third knee surgery, recovering from the loss of mom, and battling the seizures that just kept coming on and on. Yet, I found a way to get to dad, dragging my leg a along the way. I would be with him at the hospital for he needed his only daughter at his side. We would have the greatest of times. My father was a very funny man indeed. I was able to get to know my father, Robert Terrance Beam, in a whole new way, and a whole new light, and for me this was the greatest delight.
Dad passed away within about six months, and of course, I took this very hard. Now both mom and dad gone, and they had been such an integral part of my entire life. So now, here I am just barely hanging on by a thread, I needed to finish the raising and launching of my youngest, Alexander. It was a tough last year and that dear child of mine, it seems, had to take care more of me than I of him. But, we made it work, we made it through, and now he is Airman First Class Bradley. He left for basic one year ago today.
So as you have been reading along with the struggles of my health, there were also many struggles of the loss. The loss of my husband, the loss of my parents, and the loss of my sons to the United States Military. These are events that happen in life, yet for me they all seemed to happen so quickly, and they left me feeling...purposeless and alone.
It seems as if, this suppose to be short story. has turned out rather long, forgive me, I simply write what is inside of me. Now let me see if I can begin to wrap this up. :)
I feel that our body has great wisdom and it is wisdom we oft too much deny. I had been doing my very best from allowing myself to completely fall apart, that when my youngest son did finally go off to fly his wings, that is the time that my body demanded my full and complete attention. I had no other choice. It was a choice to live or to die. And, although my body was exhausted, as well as my soul, I knew in my very depths that LIFE was the only choice for me to make. So, here I am, Maria Juarez Beam, alive, and on a healing journey to becoming better, stronger, confident, and I too shall be able to let my wings fly...
Kenny Loggins: "If You Believe in Me"
Believe in Healing...
This is Healing Journey Part One. I will be posting a part two and a part three as well. To begin the series I wanted to give all of you a synopsis of the backbone of the series. The next three to come will hopefully, be shorter in writing and more in a pictorial form. I have been taking full advantage of this healing time to do many things that bring me joy and will bring me my wings.
I know I still have an unfinished piece out on the board, Refugee: True Life Stories Part Two, yet as I shared with you, I needed to take a little "break," and after I finish this series, which is actually not taxing upon my brain, I will finish Part Two of that very special series to me. I have many works that I would like to do. So within the next several weeks I will continue the Refugee Series. I want to do a piece on Central Mexico by July 1st, 2012. I also want to do a very special piece about my father that I was hoping to do on Father's Day, but I was in the hospital and dad told me that it was okay. So this piece I will have finished in time for his birthday July 13th.
I would love for all of you to return and to read those pieces, my writings that will mean so much to me and I hope to you too.
I thank all of you so very much again from every ounce of my being for being a part of my Beam the Light Be the Change for you are a part as well.
PAZ Y AMOR
Maria
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